Rules for Tools: #5 – Control Thy Tongue Around Children Thou Didst Not Sire

And now it’s time for a segment we like to call Rules for Tools! We often witness people say or do things that make us think, “What a tool!” As judgmental as this may sound, we don’t mean it to be. We accept that we are just as often the culprits of douche baggery as we are the witnesses. We simply find it amusing to call attention to the more sinister examples. Please feel free to comment below and share what makes you feel this way.

Rule #5: Control Thy Tongue Around Children Thou Didst Not Sire

As with any group, there are many subsets of the Tool. These include, but are not limited to, the Jock Douche Bag, the White-Trash Tool, the Goombah Tool, and the North American White Wannabe Gangster Tool. For the casual observer their differences can quite subtle and there is often overlap. In later posts we may take the time to define and rank each group. For now we will define just one rule that applies mainly to the most common variation: the White-Trash Tool (WTT).

While everyone, Tool or otherwise, will occasionally slip, the WTT is known to use vulgar language in front of other people’s children on a regular basis.

It is generally socially acceptable to curse while in the company of adults. Even if one doesn’t know all within earshot, it can be assumed that adults won’t take offense at some foul language, and if so, they have the choice to leave. However, children don’t always have that luxury. They are impressionable and prone to repeat heard phrases at the most inopportune times. Therefore, modern society has deemed it inappropriate to dispense profanities in the presence of minors; young children especially.

That being said, the WTT does not adhere to many of modern society’s mandates. They are known to lurk around family oriented public places effing and jeffing to their hearts content while children scurry about with ever open ears.

We are making no judgement on how one raises their own children. For all anyone cares one can go as far as to teach his offspring all the intricacies of human language; including the difference between a **** and a **** (use your imagination, this is a family blog). Teaching your kids vulgar terms simply makes you white-trash. It’s teaching these to other people’s kids that makes you a Tool.

Sorry Jerry. We had to call you out on this one:

Rules for Tools: #4 – You Are What You Wear

And now it’s time for a segment that I like to call Rules for Tools! I often witness people say or do things that make me think, “What a tool!” As judgmental as this my sound, I don’t mean it to be. I accept that I am just as often the culprit of douche baggery as I am the witness. I simply think it’s fun to point it out sometimes. Please feel free to comment below and share what makes you feel this way.

Rule #4: You are what you wear

You are what you wear. While it might be more literally true that “you are what you eat,” perception is reality. Ergo, if society perceives a person to be a tool, he is. What would make one person perceive another as a tool? Two things come to mind: actions and looks.

This rule fits into the looks category. The first thing that we notice about others is the way they look; including they way they dress. This has nothing to do with fashion. Dress however you want, but be forewarned! If you dress to standout, specifically because you think you are cooler than everyone else, you will be branded a tool. Then, in the grips of a self fulfilling prophesy, you will begin to act like a complete douche.

I can’t think of any exceptions to this rule, sorry.

Ed Hardy has got to be translated as "Douche Bag" in some language!

What a tool!

Rules for Tools: #3 – Spoiler Alert!

And now it’s time for a segment that I like to call Rules for Tools! I often witness people say or do things that make me think, “What a tool!” As judgmental as this my sound, I don’t mean it to be. I accept that I am just as often the culprit of douche baggery as I am the witness. I simply think it’s fun to point it out sometimes. Please feel free to comment below and share what makes you feel this way.

Rule #3: Spoiler Alert!

Since starting this segment I have had to really ponder the definition of a tool. Deep, I know, but there are so many ways to define a tool that everybody’s definition is different. That is what makes this so fun. We all just know one when we see it!

I propose that the one common factor in all our personal definitions of what a tool really is, is the obliviousness attached to thinking one is much cooler than one, in reality, is. If I am correct in this assumption, than we will all readily agree with this particular rule.

We’ve all seen them. Sometimes they speed past us on the freeway, but more often than not they find their place in the slow lane. If your window happens to be down you will hear the signature rattling; either from their obnoxious music or from the primer grey fenders, or both. There isn’t too much out if the ordinary so far. We’ve all had car trouble before and people’s music taste is their own business. However, then you notice… the spoiler.

I am not a mechanic, but the point of a humungous spoiler on a 4-cylinder, front-wheel drive car has always escaped me. So, if you have pointless body modifications and/or a stereo that is worth more than the vehicle itself, consider thyself a tool.

Besides, if this car (oh so beautiful!) doesn’t need a spoiler, I am pretty sure that yours doesn’t either.