In an interview on his 70th birthday Stephen Hawking admitted that he spent the majority of his day contemplating the perplexities of women. If women are “a complete mystery” to a genius such, it doesn’t bode well for the rest of us dolts. However, I recently had a flash of clarity and now understand the underlying principal that makes women tick. It’s simply a question direct suction technology.
It’s widely accepted that men aren’t so hard to understand. Their subconscious alternates, based on recency, between just two primal needs: sex and pizza. On the other hand, women are considered to be infinitely more complex than their male counterparts. Not anymore! I am extremely pleased to announce that I have mapped the female genome!
Last Friday night was much like any other. When I completed my day’s labor I was met with pile of neatly stacked flat-pack Ikea boxes and challenged to use my manly skills, and the standard Ikea allen wrench, to construct my wife’s new office. I counted it as a blessing that I didn’t have to actually go to Ikea – which is twice as annoying as Costco and Home Depot combined and only slightly less painful than watching a Sara Jessica Parker movie. So I locked myself in our office and got down to business.
My wife came in as the desk and shelves were near completion. We talked for a second before it happened. In her peripheral she noticed the empty space where the old desk had been and the new desk would soon be. She paused, and with a twinkle in her cute, little eyes, merrily exclaimed, “We need to vacuum that spot!”It was more than just a suggestion, as if my work could not continue until this vital task had been completed.
The world stopped as my mind opened and I saw everything, all at once, right before me. I saw every woman I had ever known and I heard every thought they’d ever had. It was as if God had peeled back their minds, layer by layer, and exposed their innermost subconscious urges to me. What I heard both shocked and amazed me. It was terrifying in its raw force, yet beautiful in its simplicity. The driving force behind every female human being is vacuuming underneath large stationary objects.
When your wife is talking to you all she is thinking is, “When was the last time we moved this couch?” When you get up, she’s calculating the probability that you’ll shift the coffee table, and if she’ll have the time to get the Hoover before you shift it back. When she’s yelling at you, she’s only expressing her frustration that she’s not strong enough to move furniture herself.
I can tell, with my new found omniscience, that you don’t believe me. Well, I can prove it to. Go into whatever room your wife is (or your sister or mother or whatever) and move the biggest piece of furniture you can. Don’t say anything, just do it. Go on. Right now! I’ll be waiting here to say, “I told you so,” when you return.
I TOLD YOU SO!
Every woman, whether they know it or not, is laying in wait, taught as a bow, to pounce the moment any large object is moved, especially if it’s on carpet.
Gentlemen, I don’t think you understand the implications of this discovery. Besides earning me a Nobel Prize, this shifts the balance of power back to the center, if not completely to our side. The next time you’re in an argument with a woman, which for me will be when my wife reads this column, just move the couch and say, “Wow. Look how dirty it is under here.” She’ll be so distracted as she scrambles to get the vacuum that you’ll have plenty of time to escape.
This knowledge is my gift to the world. Use it wisely, brethren.
Philip Chiappini 