Word to the Wise: Never Get Your Wife Pregnant

I’ve got a little tidbit of advice for all the fellas out there. Please take it in the spirit with which it’s given. If you choose to disregard, that’s totally fine with me. At least you’ll understand what your getting into.

Don’t get your wife pregnant.

That’s it. Very simple.

Obviously not, since I have two children of my own, whom I love and adore. I don’t regret having them for a second, and honestly, neither will you. However, once your wife has been burdened with child, she’ll have absolutely no sympathy for you or any other adult.

Here are some exemplary scenes from life after children:

SCENE 1:

YOU
(casually stated after coughing or maybe blowing your nose)
I’m not Feeling Well.

WIFE
(disdainfully)
Try not feeling well for 9 months! Quit whining and go build me something.

SCENE 2:

YOU
(casually stated while getting ready for bed)
I’m tired.

WIFE
(disdainfully)
Try being tired for 9 months and then having a baby to feed. Quit whining and go remodel the bathroom.

SCENE 3:

YOU
(wincing)
Ouch! I stubbed my toe!

WIFE
(disdainfully)
Try not even seeing your toes for 9 MONTHS! Shut up and give me a foot rub.

SCENE 4:

YOU
(anguishing)
Ouch! I got a paper-cut!

WIFE
(disdainfully)
Try getting a paper-cut on your…

You get the picture. Your wife is lovely and, in her current condition, very sympathetic to your plight. So do yourself a favor and resist the natural urge to propagate. Because if you do, all her sympathies and compassions and empathetic feelings will go to the children. And you, my friends, will be left out in the cold, alone, to wallow in self pity while you build shelving units for the newly remodeled bathroom, rub your wife’s feet, and pray to God that you never get a paper-cut on your…

One other quick word of advice; never post something like this in the Internet where your wife can read it. Luckily the chances of my wife reading this are pretty slim. Though if she does, I guess this is goodbye.

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10 thoughts on “Word to the Wise: Never Get Your Wife Pregnant

  1. Men are never allowed to be tired ever again after they have children. Especially in the newborn stage, and they certainly aren’t allowed to voice their tiredness! Haha

  2. Nice. And true. I try not to complain much during pregnancy, so that my hubby will feel like a baby when complaining to me about a sniffle. All I have to remind him of is the feet lodged in my rib cage, the preparation H cream, the 2 inch needles, or show him my cankles. Men really have it so easy.

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