Micro Review: Blood Meridian or the Evening Redness in the West — Cormac McCarthy

Blood Meridian

I chose Blood Meridian as my introductory read to McCarthy’s legendary prose because it’s considered by most to be his masterpiece. I also chose it under the assumption that it would be somehow less intense than The Road; which I’ve not read, but have experienced in film. After having emerged from Blood Meridian I can’t imagine how The Road, or any other substantive work, could be more intense. McCarthy’s writing, which I’d describe as a stream-of-conscience, minimalist style akin to Hemingway’s but completely his own, is a revelation to me. It forces the reader to proceed slowly and carefully but doesn’t burden with obtrusive detail. It’s sparse and meaningful and brutal.

The story follows a nameless character and his exploits with an infamous band of marauders as they wander the Texas border hunting for scalps and eventually spiral into complete insanity. On the surface Blood Meridian is an exposé on the violence of the Old West. However, it transcends the Western genre and gives the reader a glimpse of what it must have been like under Kurtz’ reign on the Congo. It will probably be some time before I’ll come to any conclusions as to the full meaning behind much of this book. I’ll definitely be reading Blood Meridian again, though I can’t recommend it to everyone — it’s a challenging read, both in its intense brutality and vast ambiguousness. You won’t be the same after having read it. If that sounds enjoyable to you, Blood Meridian should be at the top of your list. I have to say that it’s the most exciting thing I’ve read as of late and I’m sad that I’ve just now come across it.

Micro Review: The Hobbit — An Unexpected Journey

20121214-203455.jpg

Far from living up to its name, The Hobbit is exactly what we’ve come to expect from Peter Jackson; a long-winded, entertaining journey painted with stunning visual effects and extreme attention to detail. The first half is fraught with superfluous scenes, spawning pacing issues that the second half struggles, and ultimately fails, to overcome. Even with its problems this initial installment of The Hobbit gets a passing grade (B), it just lacks the magical elements that made me love the book — namely innocence and brevity.

Word to the Wise: Never Get Your Wife Pregnant

I’ve got a little tidbit of advice for all the fellas out there. Please take it in the spirit with which it’s given. If you choose to disregard, that’s totally fine with me. At least you’ll understand what your getting into.

Don’t get your wife pregnant.

That’s it. Very simple.

Obviously not, since I have two children of my own, whom I love and adore. I don’t regret having them for a second, and honestly, neither will you. However, once your wife has been burdened with child, she’ll have absolutely no sympathy for you or any other adult.

Here are some exemplary scenes from life after children:

SCENE 1:

YOU
(casually stated after coughing or maybe blowing your nose)
I’m not Feeling Well.

WIFE
(disdainfully)
Try not feeling well for 9 months! Quit whining and go build me something.

SCENE 2:

YOU
(casually stated while getting ready for bed)
I’m tired.

WIFE
(disdainfully)
Try being tired for 9 months and then having a baby to feed. Quit whining and go remodel the bathroom.

SCENE 3:

YOU
(wincing)
Ouch! I stubbed my toe!

WIFE
(disdainfully)
Try not even seeing your toes for 9 MONTHS! Shut up and give me a foot rub.

SCENE 4:

YOU
(anguishing)
Ouch! I got a paper-cut!

WIFE
(disdainfully)
Try getting a paper-cut on your…

You get the picture. Your wife is lovely and, in her current condition, very sympathetic to your plight. So do yourself a favor and resist the natural urge to propagate. Because if you do, all her sympathies and compassions and empathetic feelings will go to the children. And you, my friends, will be left out in the cold, alone, to wallow in self pity while you build shelving units for the newly remodeled bathroom, rub your wife’s feet, and pray to God that you never get a paper-cut on your…

One other quick word of advice; never post something like this in the Internet where your wife can read it. Luckily the chances of my wife reading this are pretty slim. Though if she does, I guess this is goodbye.